The Last Entry. . .for a while at least

Sometimes life doesn't go as planned. Maybe that should be "usually" life doesn't go as planned. This semester has not gone well for Sean. That would be an understatement. Sean spiraled down this semester, causing great concern among those who know him, including his professors. So, much so that the U decided to do a "welfare check" and take him to the hospital to be admitted to the psyc unit on Tuesday night. We are in town to pick him up and withdraw him from the university. So, I am not a "college mom" after today. Perhaps again in the fall.

bored with homework, apathy and getting real about parental support

Diane55317: Anything you want to talk about?Sean55374: To let you know ahead of time, I'm probably going to have a lot more Fs.Diane55317: Why?Sean55374: Because I don't want to do it.Diane55317: Do what?Sean55374: The homework.Diane55317: why not?Sean55374: Because I'm not interested in it right now, I suppose would be the most accurate reason.Diane55317: So, become interested. I know that sounds flip, but you can choose to be interested.Sean55374: I don't take that approach.Diane55317: Although I am disappointed in your line of thinking, you have every right to think and do what you want, as you are an adult. Because you are an adult, your father and I do not have to financially support you. We choose to financially support you because we love you and want to help you "launch" yourself. Diane55317: u there?Sean55374: yesDiane55317: Let me be very plain. There are a lot of reasons to continue with college, but I'll just focus on the financial ones.Diane55317: If you do not want to continue in college, you need to have another plan. You can not live at home at no charge if you are not a full time student. So, if you choose to discontinue college, you will have to get a job to either get your own apartment or to pay toward room and board at home.Diane55317: Is that your thought--that you want to discontinue college?Sean55374: ...yes.Diane55317: Well, let me spell out the financial implications.Diane55317: What you get, financially, by staying in college--just looking at the next 3 years: Your dad and I will support you by paying for $6,000 of schooling for 4 years (3 more years is 18,000) and allowing you to live at home at no charge during the summer. By maintaining a B average you also get another $500 a semester to offset costs (another $3000 over 3 years). Diane55317: Plus, you probably would qualify for a grant for next year (not sure of the amount, could be upto another $4000 next year, I'm not sure about future years). So, if you decide to throw in the towel because you are "not interested in doing homework, " You will lose about $25,000 over 3 years (18,000 we will pay toward college, $3000 remaining scholarship and maybe $4,000 in grant money)..Diane55317: Actually, it will be more. If you want to live at home and not go to school, you do not get to live at home for free. We would expect you to pay toward your own room and board. Good luck getting a job without a college degree in this economy. And no car. Oh, yes, 6 months after graduating or leaving college (even without graduating), you have to start paying back college loansDiane55317: Better to bide your time in college and wait for the economy to turn around. The economy will probably be much better in 3-4 years!Diane55317: Now being in school will cost you about $20K over the next 3 years, which can easily be financed through low-cost college loans and working part time. And hopefully, when you graduate you will be able to earn significantly more than the generally low wages of a high school graduate.Diane55317: Have you thought about these things?Sean55374: I do not have a plan regarding what to do.Diane55317: Well, try this plan on for size: there are 3.5 months of school left this semester. Why not do the best you can for the rest of the semester and then you will have a few months of no school to decide what you want to do.Sean55374: I'll think about it.Diane55317: It's good to keep an open mind and to keep your options open. I do think finishing out this semester "strong" will keep the most options open for you. You will have one good year of school completed, so it will be easy for you to continue (as you won't have spoiled your grades or your scholarship money, if you have a B average), or, if you decide you'd rather work than go to school, you can also easily change your mind and go back to school at a later time if you didn't ruin your GPA. Diane55317: I think if you think about it, you will realize that 3.5 months is not that long and finishing up the year gives you the most options.Diane55317: I know that school can be a drag at times, but it helps if you decide you are going to do your best and be interested.Diane55317: Do know that we don't have a plan to "kick you out in the cold" if you decided to quit college and come home. You would have to be making plans how you would be contributing financially to either our household for your support or to your own fund for living on your own.Sean55374: That's good to know.Diane55317: Yes, and this would be a terrible time to be "kicked out in the cold" in Minnesota!:-) It's really cold!Sean55374: :) That it is!Diane55317: Well, I hope you will reconsider your attitude toward homework. You don't have to love the subject or even be highly interested in it to do well. I sometimes just played a little game with myself for those classes that were, well, boring to me. My game was to get the best grade I could by making sure I met all the requirements and studied just enough to get an A (which really meant having to "overstudy."). I did find satisfaction in playing the game. Diane55317: And for some classes I actually found satisfaction in learning the material! ;-)Diane55317: Well, I need to say goodnight--I get up at 5:30 AM!Sean55374: night. Getting up early what for?Diane55317: I get up early on M-W-F to work out with Peggy J at anytime fitness.Sean55374: oh. night.Diane55317: night!

What do women want?

Am excerpt of an IM conversation:Diane55317: Ahhh. . .what do women want?Sean55374: Indeed.Diane55317: Initially, subconsciously, women size up a man for his ability to procreate based on physical features--healthy, attractive (essentially symmetrical), strong.Sean55374: I think subconciously means, in this subtext, getting social and moneatal success -- securtiy.Diane55317: So, # 1 is what can you do in those areas? Be clean, well-groomed, and fit.Diane55317: Then a woman sizes up a man as to whether she would want to spend any time with him other than a one-night stand.Diane55317: This is where personality and intelligence come into play.Sean55374: brbDiane55317: Is he basically nice, with good morals? Is he fun to be with? Does he have basic good manners (considerate of others)? Is he about the same or better intelligence level as the woman?Sean55374: backDiane55317: Then--If the guy passes the first 2 levels, he gets considered as marriage material. What are his prospects as a provider? Can he get along with prospective in-laws? Does he share similiar beliefs? Sean55374: What is marriage for?Diane55317: marriage is both a legal and a religious/spiritual symbol of the unity of two people into a family unit (whether or not there are any children). Marriage provides a basis for commitment, stability and growth of a relationship. Also a solid foundation for children to be raised in.

College Boy Home for the Holidays

I picked up Sean at college a week ago and he has 2 more weeks at home before I take him back. He seems generally glad to be back--eating when he wants, spending time with siblings, etc. Although, I don't think he entirely appreciates my expectations of his schedule. I basically want him to sleep at night and be up during the day, not the other way around! On Monday, we had a "maintenance day" and he had a dental check up (3 cavities, which were filled on Wednesday) and he also picked out some new "retro" eyeglass frames, which should be ready before he returns to college. I checked his semester grades online this morning and he had a 3.18 average for his first semester--not bad and definitely good so that he gets to continue receiving scholarship $.

Social Advice from Mom. . .an email

Hi, Sean--
I watched your videos "I Ask Stupid Questions" and "I don't think my questions are stupid."

In those videos you expressed a concern with people being exasperated with your questions or your being redundant or arrogant. Although I have decided not to respond via Youtube, I will respond because I think you will find life more enjoyable if you have smoother interactions with others. And, hey, I'm your mom--I probably care more than anybody else!

First, some observations/advice:

1. Many of your statements and questions seem to be "all about you." You seem much more interested in getting information for yourself, or in asserting your opinion than you do in the other person. You will ask question after question with out commenting positively on what the other person has said. The other person can feel a bit like you are grilling him or trying to verbally back him into a corner. You have to "read" the other person and "back off" before they get exasperated. Instead of asking so many questions, you can encourage the other person to talk, by using statements like, "Really?. . .I see. . . I think I understand what you mean. . .Hmmm. . . What I'm hearing you say is. . .that's interesting. . .wow, I've never thought of it that way. . . or, as you know one of Dad's favorite's, "Help me understand. . ."

2. Some times you don't help the listener place your comments and questions in context. It's like you weren't really listening to what went on in the conversation and instead were lost in your own thoughts and just spouted off what appears to be almost random comments or questions. I know that is not usually the case, but you need to help your listener "connect the dots."

3. Your demeanor can be off-putting. You don't seem very concerned with how your actions/body language/attitude is affecting others. You really seem to take yourself too seriously and can appear "moody" and unapproachable. But when you smile or laugh you are transformed! I've told many people that "you can say almost anything as long as you say it with a smile." It's true! People like to be around happy people that they don't have to "walk on egg shells" around, afraid that they will do or say something to set the other person off into a bad mood.

4. You sometimes are disagreeable, which can be repelling. One of the most important lessons I learned in the improv classses I took was the power of "Yes." That is to accept whatever someone says, to not negate them, but to use what they say as a rung in the ladder of conversation. For example, a few years ago, I was talking with a visitor to our church, whom I also new from another organization. In conversation, she mentioned that she and her husband felt that their small children should participate in some religous children's program--that it "didn't really matter which religion, because they are all pretty much the same." Now, I don't think I need to tell you this, but I vehemently disagree with that statement! However, I realized that if I proceeded to grill her with questions or to show her, through very logical arguments, the error of her thought, I would completely push her away. So, I decided to use the power of "yes" and not negate what she had just said. Instead, I would find an area of agreement. "Yes," I said, "I do believe that many religions have much in common, such as the golden rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And then we continued the conversation--and then she actually told me some differences in religions!

Finally, I wonder if you are getting enough practice in conversation. Youtube, although it is a forum for self-expression and some discussion, does not really have the immediacy of face-to-face conversation. Perhaps in your second semester, you may want to get out of your room more and participate more in various aspects of University life (the honors organization for example or going to the Wellness Center to work out). You can get some real life friendships going and maybe even meet some nice girls, too!

Second,
here is an excellent article you can read to glean some information:
How to Disagree and Persuade without Offending

Thanksgiving visit

Got to see "college boy" when we visited Grand Forks for Thanksgiving. I don't think Sean expected Kim and me to go up to his dorm room. You might say it was in a "natural state" with take-out food containers and piles of paper on the floor. I suggested to Sean that it might be a nice surprise for his roommate if he straightened up a bit before the roommate returned (I think he did that on Sunday). One of the containers was a pizza box from the night before--Kim had a pizza delivered to his room as there was no dinner service the night before Thanksgiving and we couldn't see him waiting 24 hours to eat the Thanksgiving dinner!

We had a relatively pleasant visit. Sean, Yuri and Clara played a bit on the Playstation Yuri brought with him, we had a long game of poker, visited my brother in Red Lake Falls and spent lots of time with Grandma and Grandpa. Of course, Grandpa couldn't help making a little comment about "I could say something, but won't because it would upset you. . ." apparently in reference to something about Sean (I am guessing regarding how he spends his time). Oh, well Grandpa has his own ideas, just as Sean does.

Sean, although somewhat moody at times, seemed in generally good spirits. It worked out quite well that Sean could sleep in his dorm room--giving him some privacy and giving his family more room at Grandma and Grandpa's. Plus, no strife over Sean being up late at night.

Cyberbullying

It's really too bad that experience is the best teacher. Wouldn't it be great if kids could learn from their parents' experiences! I've tried to tell Sean to be careful what he writes or says or shows (as in video) online because it is very public. Personally, I would only write things I wouldn't regret terribly if they were made public in my hometown newspaper. Prospective employers, prospective girlfriends, etc. could easily check up on anything posted online and emails can be sent to other than the intended recipient! Well, as is usually the case, my good advice fell on deaf ears. Sean has a Youtube channel for his ramblings on any subject that strikes his fancy--unedited, unfiltered and at times, controversial. He somehow attracted the attention of another Youtuber, a 30-something man who has large amounts of time to ramble on himself. Well, I made the mistake of posting comments on Sean's channel (not indicating that I'm his mom, however) and I think he apparently tracked down not only my facebook page, but Sean's as well and even set up a channel, using Sean's facebook profile picture and some videos that Sean made (outside and inside our home--pretty boring videos, actually) and then sent me a message from this new channel asking me if I was Sean's mom and if I knew a girl named Clara. Creepy. And he made some threats to Sean as well. Nothing serious, but enough to really scare Sean into taking down some of his videos and deciding to not interact with this particular individual. To me it all seems like such a waste of time!