Social Advice from Mom. . .an email

Hi, Sean--
I watched your videos "I Ask Stupid Questions" and "I don't think my questions are stupid."

In those videos you expressed a concern with people being exasperated with your questions or your being redundant or arrogant. Although I have decided not to respond via Youtube, I will respond because I think you will find life more enjoyable if you have smoother interactions with others. And, hey, I'm your mom--I probably care more than anybody else!

First, some observations/advice:

1. Many of your statements and questions seem to be "all about you." You seem much more interested in getting information for yourself, or in asserting your opinion than you do in the other person. You will ask question after question with out commenting positively on what the other person has said. The other person can feel a bit like you are grilling him or trying to verbally back him into a corner. You have to "read" the other person and "back off" before they get exasperated. Instead of asking so many questions, you can encourage the other person to talk, by using statements like, "Really?. . .I see. . . I think I understand what you mean. . .Hmmm. . . What I'm hearing you say is. . .that's interesting. . .wow, I've never thought of it that way. . . or, as you know one of Dad's favorite's, "Help me understand. . ."

2. Some times you don't help the listener place your comments and questions in context. It's like you weren't really listening to what went on in the conversation and instead were lost in your own thoughts and just spouted off what appears to be almost random comments or questions. I know that is not usually the case, but you need to help your listener "connect the dots."

3. Your demeanor can be off-putting. You don't seem very concerned with how your actions/body language/attitude is affecting others. You really seem to take yourself too seriously and can appear "moody" and unapproachable. But when you smile or laugh you are transformed! I've told many people that "you can say almost anything as long as you say it with a smile." It's true! People like to be around happy people that they don't have to "walk on egg shells" around, afraid that they will do or say something to set the other person off into a bad mood.

4. You sometimes are disagreeable, which can be repelling. One of the most important lessons I learned in the improv classses I took was the power of "Yes." That is to accept whatever someone says, to not negate them, but to use what they say as a rung in the ladder of conversation. For example, a few years ago, I was talking with a visitor to our church, whom I also new from another organization. In conversation, she mentioned that she and her husband felt that their small children should participate in some religous children's program--that it "didn't really matter which religion, because they are all pretty much the same." Now, I don't think I need to tell you this, but I vehemently disagree with that statement! However, I realized that if I proceeded to grill her with questions or to show her, through very logical arguments, the error of her thought, I would completely push her away. So, I decided to use the power of "yes" and not negate what she had just said. Instead, I would find an area of agreement. "Yes," I said, "I do believe that many religions have much in common, such as the golden rule of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." And then we continued the conversation--and then she actually told me some differences in religions!

Finally, I wonder if you are getting enough practice in conversation. Youtube, although it is a forum for self-expression and some discussion, does not really have the immediacy of face-to-face conversation. Perhaps in your second semester, you may want to get out of your room more and participate more in various aspects of University life (the honors organization for example or going to the Wellness Center to work out). You can get some real life friendships going and maybe even meet some nice girls, too!

Second,
here is an excellent article you can read to glean some information:
How to Disagree and Persuade without Offending